| I'm at the age where I get random waves of nostalgia. There's so much I've done at a pace where I haven't been able to take it all in. You know how the history books can take an event and dissect it to everything that lead before and after that? I think I need to do that to better understand my own life.
I really enjoy the retrospection of the previous two posts and will commit to writing in Xanga for this.
Random thought: I think an awesome sci fi story would be one about aliens trying to take over Earth with zombies. Since our culture has a long story with zombie stories I think we would have a chance of fairing well and would defeat or force a draw with an alien force that relies on zombie technology.
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| I went out once for sin this weekend which is like 200% less than normal weekends. Hopefully I can keep this up for a month. I have one bday I'm allowing myself to go to, then an after con party, and I'm fairly certain I had to go out august 1st... it's not showing up in google calendar.
Joking aside about having a quarter life crisis (which I've gotten through mostly) I don't know why recently I've been thinking about my own mortality. I have an attitude that nothing is forever so maybe I'm just applying that to the long run? Also, lately waking up has been a jarring experience - like jacking out of the matrix. Maybe I'm just getting older.
My boss/mentor/friend/ guy I have to take care of when drunk Dennis Michael had a blog that sums up a lot of feelings I've had lately. He says:
"The other thought I have is in this whole thing where people, and I am number one on this list, keep living their lives waiting for their life to start. Always waiting waiting waiting for their life to begin, neglecting that hey yo, you are in your life. It isn't going to come, it is here now. ... Life isn't going to get started, it is already here. If we (really, If I) keep waiting for it, it will never come. "
Sometimes in the middle of whatever I'm doing my brain likes to remind me that at this moment in the here and now this is my life. It's part me thinking the words "I'm alive right now" and part feeling I can't explain. It's a sense of urgency it's also a sense of doom. Is it because I feel like I can't work hard enough, play hard enough, and just live enough to be happy? Will I not be satisfied until I have the bank account of a hedge fund manager?
While my inner circle is amazed at what I can do on a budget (seriously sometimes I feel like my life's a sham because people think I make WAY more than I do) I marvel at the thought of what can happen with just a little bit more of everything, then I like taking fantastical journeys into thinking what would happen with a TON more of everything. Again, my inner circle thinks we'd all just implode with all the power in true celebrity fashion or create a dynasty/aristocracy out of it.
So I'm a victim of the same waiting game. For most of my adult life I've always felt like I'm at the cusp of "making it". That there would be an event or happening that would take all the resources I have now, every connection, experience, and idea and propel me into the life I like to dream about. I keep thinking I'll just have my own personal singularity happen. One lucky break that leads to an ever accelerating success.
The only thing that appears to me to be rapidly changing is my world view. Hopefully me putting more conscious thought about being responsibe into my life will mean IS the change I'm looking for. But still as much as I wish for everyone to embrace change I wonder about the issues my past self would have with my present self.
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| HighRol NP: i think.... i really need to start thinking about what i want to do... sometimes i think i'm just distracting myself, and sometimes i think i'm scared...
Lily92182: exactly. i feel like u want something or u dont want something, and u use all this stuff to "distract" urself from doing what u should or want to do That's from a conversation I had back in 2002. I've been frustrated lately, but have been able to channel that energy into being productive but at 3am in this large building all alone with the lights down low... demotivation hit. I went on a nostalgic tangent as a distraction and found the above quote. I'm at a point in my life where I my self understanding and sense of idenity is at its strongest. I've also outdone all of the intangible goals my previous self has set for me. Physically I don't appear to have changed much at all and that's what upsets me the most. |
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No matter what time I sleep I wake up at 4am. Or I can stay up
past 4am and sleep for 12 hours. Weird. I'm chalking this up to
switching from a 4am baking schedule to a go home at 2am night
librarian schedule. That and having endured 9pm to 7am shifts about
two weeks ago doesn't help. It's just strange going to sleep and then
having this sudden burst of awakeness at 4am. Maybe I'll be able to
sleep at 5am. Who knows! |
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Here at USD they call the Hill Reading Room the Harry Potter Room. You
can't tell too much by this overhead shot but all the wood furniture
does look like right out of a Harry Potter set!
This got me thinking about the libraries of the big 3 universites...
more here! |
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